“Will you be my friend?” An innocent invitation to join me in play; to share with me; to get to know me. If you become my friend, “I” will turn into WE and “me” into US. We will become a team.
I have heard these five powerful little words at the playground, at the beach, and in my Kindergarten classroom. While young children usually seem to do this quite naturally, as adults we are more apt to think of the possibility of rejection as a reason not to bother asking. Using the words, “Will you be my friend?” involves courage, as I show a vulnerable part of me that desires companionship, while offering a choice to the other person to accept my invitation or to turn me down.
I watch as she builds the most delightful sand castle and I really want to join her; to help; to ask why she put the drawbridge where she did; to suggest we build a moat together. While I could push past the nervous thudding in my chest, the fear of being turned down keeps me over here, watching from a distance and wishing I was braver.
The image seems quite silly as we picture two adults on the beach with one sidling over to whisper shyly, “Will you be my friend?” Yet, it’s hard to take this question out of the realm of childhood; hard to picture an adult using these words in an adult setting. Is it maturity that comes from experience and age that keeps us from giving this yes/no question? There’s a 50% chance I will be disappointed, if I ask this way. So, instead, when we meet someone new, a potential friend who seems to have some things in common with us, what do we do?
We often open up the lines of communication first. “Are you on Instagram?” we might ask. “Can I connect with you on Facebook?” Asking for a phone number to text or call might even seem too bold, too fast. Maybe this is easier for those still in the dating scene, but for those of us who have been married for decades, such interactions are rare.
I have to admit, I’m not usually the one to initiate a friendship moment. I allow the other person to show their interest first, as we naturally build a relationship through talking and laughing together. Coward. Yes.
I confessed in my Friday Funny Instagram post yesterday [@valdagoudie] that I broke up with a friend last year (not so funny). We had been building that friendship for two years, and, in my desire to have a close friend, I ignored a lot of red flags along the way. I embraced the good and ignored the parts that were dishonest and selfish. As with a romantic relationship, when I found the balance of positives and negatives becoming more slanted to the negative, I had to consider that the friendship had turned toxic. Spending time with her turned my mood sour and sucked the spirit out of me. We weren’t laughing together anymore. And, laughter is something I value in a friendship. When we stop laughing, this is a sign that we’re no longer enjoying each other’s company.
In my post yesterday, I asked the question, what do you believe is the most important quality in a close friendship? My newest friend, who has grown dear to my heart in a very short time, responded, “I love my friends who help bring out the best in me and allow me to bring out the best in them.” Do you see why she’s my friend?
The three things I value most can be summed up in honesty, balance, and trust. When I’m done explaining, I think you’ll agree that my friend and I are looking for the same thing.
If your friend only tells you want they think you want to hear, that’s not friendship. That’s a dishonest acquaintance. A true friend knows how to package a difficult conversation. How that sounds also depends on how long the friendship has lasted. You might be able to tell one friend that her hair looks like a birch broom in fits (which likely only a fellow Newfie will understand), while for the other, you may say, “I liked it better the other way, but I’m sure you’ll make it work as you get used to styling it.” Both messages say the same thing: you got ripped off at the hairdresser’s!
A real friend will go below the surface appearance of complimenting your hair or clothes, to complimenting your strengths and God-given qualities. That friend will “upbuild” you and help your self-esteem and confidence grow. They will bring out the best in you.
And, before your head swells up too large, you do the same for them. That’s where balance comes in.
However, not every conversation you have with a friend will be balanced. Sometimes one of you will be going through something that requires comfort and encouragement, and more time spent on that topic. But, overall, a friendship should involve a balance of listening and talking, giving comfort and getting it, praising and receiving, confessing and forgiving, exhorting and accepting encouragement. When the other person monopolizes every minute of your time together, venting their own frustrations and never asking about you, only one person is getting anything out of that relationship. Frankly, there are people who are paid to do that one-sided listening. That type of friendship will fail.
When you are hurting, a friend is someone who will be there for you and you can be certain they will be loyal to you and with the things you share. You can be honest with a friend and tell them many personal things, but you have to know you can trust them before you lay out your fragile heart. There’s nothing worse than a friend who picks sides and breaks your confidence, spilling your friend-secrets out to the other party, sharing your words that were meant to be just between the two of you, and causing a lot of damage in the process. I’ve been there. It hurts.
One of the best examples of friendship in the Bible was actually between two men: Jonathan and David. They knew from the first minute they met that they would be friends. It was friendship at first sight!
After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David. From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn’t let him return home. And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself.1 SAMUEL 18:1-3 NLT
The two men made a covenant that bound them together as friends who would support each other. Jonathan saw David’s great faith and his courage in defeating Goliath. And David saw godly characteristics in him, as well, and they were able to strengthen and encourage each other throughout their friendship. Jonathan showed loyalty, even when it meant putting his friend’s safety above his father’s wishes. There was honesty, balance, and trust between these two buddies.
I have had many good friendships throughout my life, but a friend’s belief in Jesus adds a new layer to the relationship. My new Christian friend and I have the same goals to use our talents and gifts for God and to grow to be more like Jesus. I feel so blessed to have found that friend. I can’t think of a better way to grow and thrive, than to do it together.
Thank You, Father for helping me find a friend who will upbuild me as I build her up. I pray for each of Your children who are still searching for that type of friendship. Bring them together, Lord, that they may strengthen and encourage each other.
If you have already found that special friend, take a moment and thank God for such a gift. If you are longing for this type of friendship, ask God to lead you to the right person. He’s the best Matchmaker ever!
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